Entrapment
I was reminded recently of a story that happened years ago. My best girlfriend at the time coerced me into taking a vacation to the Bahamas. She invited another friend of ours from San Diego and checked flights. I traded a time share to get a condo at the local yacht club. It was my first adventure towards Miami!
Another mutual friend who couldn’t go with us confided in me before the trip that he had given my best friend a couple hundred dollars so that we could have a nice sushi dinner while we were there, knowing that we loved sushi and were on tight budgets. It was supposed to be a surprise, but he couldn’t stop himself from telling me. I was excited! The good intention unraveled, however, as I patiently waited 8 days for an invitation to dinner that never materialized. The whole time we were there, I never let on that I knew about the sushi dinner.
We made it all the way back to Los Angeles, and I was pretty peeved. On the last day before I was leaving, I confronted my best friend. Not only was there this issue about the surprise, but she had started waffling about the $75 that I asked her for the room. I had covered the condo and only asked her for $75 for the week. It could easily have been $75 a day.
Somehow, in the whole ordeal of her crying and feeling bad, the cards shifted and suddenly I was assigned to be the guilty party because "how could I think such bad things about her?!" It was all a misunderstanding. It was my fault for being a horrible friend that I didn’t get that it was a misunderstanding. How could I say nothing to her for 8 days and silently wonder terrible guesses on why there was no dinner?
I caved into my weaknesses at the time and bore the burden of guilt. We remained friends for years after that, albeit strained. It finally came to an end after she insisted that I cancel all my Memorial Day plans because she wanted to visit Phoenix.
I told my girlfriends here that she was coming to town and we planned a killer girls’ night out. I called and called to iron out details with her. No return calls. We waited and waited for hours after we had scheduled to go to dinner with everyone for her to arrive. She never showed up. I finally got her on the phone after 9 PM. She was feeling sick and still at home in California. Was she going to bother to let us know?
Somehow, the cards shifted and once again I was to be the guilty ogre because, "How can you be so mad at me when I couldn’t call because I’m in bed sick and was sleeping?!" She accused me of entrapment, that I was always setting her up for failure and then giving her crap for not meeting expectations. This time I didn’t take the bait.
It’s kind of like the book "He’s Just Not That Into You" applies just as equally to ALL relationships, whether they be intimate partners, friends, or business. Why would you allow your self-worth be minimized by constantly laying down for the selfishness and standards of someone else, that doesn’t work with yours? Why sit at home by the phone? Why buy all the excuses?
The rest of us still went out that night and had a blast.
Sometimes I have to keep reminding myself that it’s okay to leave the house and not wait. We’ve all got cell phones and can be reached 24/7. "I didn’t get a chance to call…" Well, I think we all know better.
Misunderstandings between good friends happen every once in a while, but not ALL the time. Every example I had of our "misunderstandings" turned out to be different, and yet so suspiciously the same. They’re not quite misunderstandings when they happen so often… but more like habits, aren’t they?
